Open the floodgates, or seal the dam....

Sometimes it is so hard to keep the dam of emotion closed. Springing a leak seams inevitable. A rush of pure pain, a trickle of heartache, sometimes offset by the shimmering stream of joy that my children give me. The indescribable beauty of my little girls smile, the pride of knowing my son is succeeding in his chosen career, the laughter and silly faces my little boy makes, and the sweet "I love you" from my teenage daughter. These are the things that keep my husband and I going day to day. But when will it be okay to open the floodgates and let all that emotion run free and allow ourselves to understand that our grief isn't going to be over. Ever.
Life is not ever going to be perfect again, but I do realize that it can be good for our family. We still love each other. We support one another. We have our faith in the Lord to keep us strong.

I will turn their mourning into gladness. I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. Jeremiah 31:13

I don't feel like my mourning will turn into gladness any time in the near future. But I do feel, sometimes, the glimmer of the promise of comfort and joy. Just a faint glimmer that I may smile with a true happiness once again, not the false smile I currently have in place to make people think I am okay.

Yesterday some one I do not know, do not even call an acquaintance, but someone who reads my words to those I love on my facebook support group (Hydran Families), commented on "prolonging" our children's lives to the point of making them "suffer in misery". My heart constricted in my chest and such a feeling of true wrath enveloped me, that I was hardly able to respond. Such cruel words from one who himself has a daughter, just recently born, with severe disabilities, was beyond my comprehension. It occurs to me today, however, that such harsh and spiteful words most often can come from someone who themselves is in pain. I acknowledge that. But still....why in this world today, are people so ready to rush to judgment of others? I have to respond to those words with truth and honesty. Diplomacy does not help someone who NEEDS to hear honesty.
So, what is honesty in my world? What is the honest truth about my daughter, Christina, who lives each day with severe disabilities, without the benefit of walking and talking, or even the benefit of a cerebral cortex? Does she have a "quality of life"? Am I "prolonging" her life and making her "suffer"?
I honestly can answer those questions with a resounding NO! I watch her wake in the morning with a beautific smile, genuine joy in her eyes to be here in her earthly body for another day. She loves us dearly as we also love her. She "waits" for our spoken words of love and greeting and is so excited to see everyone she adores around her. She has such unconditional love, a spirit that is strong and pure, a determination to live that astounds me! She is brave, strong, and courageous. She is happy! She is loved! She has a wonderful life! She has no worries, she trusts in her family and caregivers completely, and she is comfortable in her own body. She knows not that she is "different" or that she is "disabled", she only knows she is LOVED. She basks in that LOVE. She returns that LOVE. She wants to be here. I know this without a doubt. She does not suffer, quite the contrary, she has every possible thing at her immediate disposal to keep her healthy and comfortable and well. Every person in her life is dedicated to her every need and every desire. She is so sweet and special that people flock to her aid and cannot help but give her love and encouragement. Most importantly, Heavenly Father loves her and knows her needs and her heart's desires -he gives us, as her family, the insight to know exactly what to do for her every minute of every day. He has never abandoned or forsaken her.
Thinking about all this today, I realized that if Heavenly Father is so in tune to Chrissy, and is always there for her to comfort her, to take care of her, to guide us in caring for her, and to give her peace each day, then He must be doing the same for me.
I must learn to accept His comfort, accept His will, and accept the peace He offers me. Until I can do that, I will continue to grieve, to sorrow, to suffer myself over the loss of our dear Emily. So yet again, it is Christina who teaches me a lesson in life. It is Christina who will help me to open those floodgates of emotion I hold so tightly shut.
Today I cried. I cried for Emily. I cried for Christina. I cried for my nephew Trevor. And I cried for myself. For the first time since we lost our precious baby, I cried for MYSELF. And that is okay. I don't have to keep the dam sealed. I can grieve openly. But I can also heal myself by accepting the love Heavenly Father offers me, the cloak of comfort He provides. All I have to do is pull it around me and feel of its warmth. Just like my Chrissy does. She keeps her cloak pulled close and enjoys the sweetness of comfort Heavenly Father gives her. And she LOVES.
I hope I can LOVE like she does. I hope I can FEEL like she does. I hope I can be as good a mother to her as she is a daughter to me. She is a daughter of God and is perfect. I pray God will help me to be a good daughter of God as well, so one day soon Chrissy, I, Emily and our whole family can be together forever. How blessed I am to have TWO perfect daughters, and three other children who strive to be the best they can be each and every day. Thank you Heavenly Father for my life as a wife, sister, aunt, daughter.....and most of all, MOTHER - the Highest honor I could have been given in this sphere of time and the one calling that will be with me for Eternity!!