New beginnings....Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying.

I posted on my Facebook status the other day "Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying" which is pretty accurate for what has been going on for me lately! I wonder sometimes what exactly Heavenly Father expects of me now. My life was moving along pretty nicely, with most things in place as I thought they should be. Then God intervened and in no uncertain terms let us know that HE is in charge and HIS plan is sometimes very different from what we think our plan should be. I have struggled with this in the last year more than you can imagine. I love the Lord. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have a testimony and faith that we are loved by our Heavenly Father and that he cares for us and hurts along with us when things are not good in our lives. He is there to comfort us in the midst of our pain and anger and grief even as He has allowed for those circumstances to happen in the first place. I understand that we must endure to the end. But it is still a challenge for me sometimes. Even with an unwavering faith, I grapple with where to go from here. How do I move forward after the loss of a child?

Many days I find myself "Wishing". Wishing things were different. Wishing I could go back in time and somehow make things end differently. Wishing Emily were still with us, playing and laughing and being the happy baby of our family. But wishing really gets me nowhere because I know it is not to be. I must console myself with the knowledge that I will see Emily again someday, but that time is not now. That I must go forward for myself, for Emily, and for my husband and children who are still here with me now. My life has to be in the here and now and wishing for the past only hurts those in the present.

So we move on to "Hoping". And though difficult, hoping can be healing. As long as I can find hope for my family, hope for the future, and hope for personal growth then I can continue to get up each day. I can take care of my sweet children. I can take care of my family, friends, and those less fortunate than me. I can HOPE my Heavenly Father still has use of me in this life. And that hope has led me to a belief that He does. I believe that I have not finished the work I have been called to do in this Earthly life.

Which leaves me "Thinking"! The scriptures say to ponder and pray and then, in perfect faith, ask and the answer shall be given to you. Pondering equals Thinking! We have to think things out for ourselves. That is part of our free agency on this earth. It isn't that Heavenly Father is leaving us alone, it is just that He expects us to work towards our own decisions. At least that is how I see it. So I have done a lot of thinking lately. Pondering what I need to be doing. What I need to be moving forward on. A lot of my life has been dedicated to my children. My passion is adoption. So it is only natural for me to question whether I am done in that arena. The more I think, the more I ponder, the more I ask....I feel impressed that I am not done. Before we adopted Emily, when the agency called to ask us about taking her, we prayed about it. As we prayed about taking each of our children, most especially the special needs angels we have! I was given the answer that yes, we were to take Emily, but that she would be our last baby. That was okay with me. I wasn't getting any younger, after all!! And the newborn phase is pretty tough even for a young woman!! So, we took dear Emily, and I wouldn't trade a second of those late night feedings, or the cuddling of a newborn against your chest. It is the best feeling in the world! Heaven on earth! She was a sweet, easy baby. No colic, rarely cried, always smiling. How lucky and blessed we were to have her! And despite her hearing loss, she was very healthy otherwise and continued to be such a sweet, happy, easy to handle child! So I never questioned where we were headed after her adoption. It was settled. Off into the sunset of parenting we were to go. Looking forward to raising the last three of our darlings and then enjoying the fruits of our labor (and the grandkids to come!)

Ah, the best laid plans of mice and men.....as the saying goes. Nothing is certain, is it? The more we plan, the more things change....and our Emily left Earth and joined her Father in Heaven.

And I ponder. I have mentioned before that I sometimes feel her presence around me. I think Emily is trying to tell me to get off my butt and do something! She doesn't like that I have been so incapacitated by her leaving. The first thing she chastised me about was Chrissy and Stephen. I got that pretty quickly and made sure I was giving them the time, attention and love they so richly deserved, despite my grief. She also let me know loud and clear that I needed to get my act together and work on my own personal faith and eternal progression, so I would be ready to see her again one day. But lately, she seems to be telling me other things - that maybe there are more children for our family. Maybe, just maybe, my mission and calling are not done....

So, I finally got to the most important step of all - "Praying". These decisions are not to be taken lightly. Especially, when you are, how shall I say it....."No Young Chicken" anymore! So I ask Heavenly Father on a daily basis lately, what He desires for me to do, where he desires our family go (or grow)? I have always been drawn to the song "Because I Have Been Given Much". It is a church hymn that includes the words:

Because I have been given much, I too must give.

Because of thy great bounty, Lord each day I live.

I shall divide my gifts from thee with every brother that I see,

who has the need of help from me.

Because I have been sheltered, fed by thy good care…

I cannot see another’s lack and I not share-

my glowing fire, my loaf of bread-my roof’s safe shelter over head,

that he too may be comforted.

Because I have been blessed by thy great love dear Lord,

I’ll share thy love again according to thy word.

I shall give love to those in need. I’ll show that love by word and deed,

thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.

Oh, how those words strike my heart! For how blessed indeed have I been? Five of the most beautiful, special, wonderful children a mother could ever desire. After our first two precious, healthy children adopted as newborns, this song is what prompted me to think about giving back. What better way to give back to my Heavenly Father for all his bounteous blessings than to adopt a child with "special needs".

How silly I was back then!!! How could I have known that taking these children with special needs was as joyous and blessed as taking the healthy ones!! In many ways, more so! They are jewels in the crown of glory! They take their disabilities in stride, persevere, endure, and continue to smile and give such unconditional love. So now I have taken and taken and enjoyed my blessings to the fullest. And Heavenly Father has "taken back" one of my precious, precious jewels. But I know she is safe with Him. I do not have to fear for her.

But I am compelled to listen again to the words of that song:

Because I have been blessed by thy great love dear Lord,

I’ll share thy love again according to thy word.

I shall give love to those in need. I’ll show that love by word and deed,

thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.

How can I not understand that, for my life, giving love to those in need is my calling. To love these little children, medically fragile children, who are so in need of love and care and a secure home....whether they are expected to live a full, long life....or whether they have the poorest prognosis the medical field can give them....to share my love with them, is indeed showing my love by word and deed......

AND THUS MY THANKS BE THANKS INDEED.

I can continue to serve my Heavenly Father, my family and my community by adopting. And as for that prompting way back when Emily was given to us? Well, she may very well have been our last "newborn" baby, but that does not have to mean she was our last child. Heavenly Father may yet have work for me to do. We shall see, we shall see.....His will be done!