A poem by Emily Dickinson

I measure every grief... I measure every grief I meet With analytic eyes; I wonder if it weighs like mine, Or has an easier size. I wonder if they bore it long, Or did it just begin? I could not tell the date of mine, It feels so old a pain. I wonder if it hurts to live, And if they have to try, And whether, could they choose between, They would not rather die. I wonder if when years have piled-- Some thousands--on the cause Of early hurt, if such a lapse Could give them any pause; Or would they go on aching still Through centuries above, Enlightened to a larger pain By contrast with the love. The grieved are many, I am told; The reason deeper lies,-- Death is but one and comes but once And only nails the eyes. There's grief of want, and grief of cold,-- A sort they call 'despair,' There's banishment from native eyes, In sight of native air. And though I may not guess the kind Correctly yet to me A piercing comfort it affords In passing Calvary, To note the fashions of the cross Of those that stand alone Still fascinated to presume That some are like my own. - Emily Dickinson

October 10, 2011

I have had the hardest time writing this week. I wanted to write on Monday. Monday was our baby Emily's birthday....her second birthday in Heaven...
Emily would have been six years old. I think about her little face, and her sweet little voice, and wonder how she would have looked and acted and how she would have enjoyed her birthday!!  I know i would have been buying princess outfits, and barbie dolls, and knowing her, probably some outdoor playthings as well!  It would have been the year to add a swing set to the backyard. Or perhaps a Little Tykes play center.   She would have been in first grade, with all the excitement that goes along with that! With her cochlear implant, she would have been talking by now, and how precious her words would have been! Made all the more special because of her bravery and struggles with hearing, and her determination to speak and be all that she could be!! 
Emily was courageous. Emily was loving. Emily was strong. Emily was passionate. She was beautiful inside and out. All who knew her, loved her! She was a very special little girl with a huge compassionate spirit. She knew no evil, trusted everyone, and had no fear. She had no fear because she knew how loved she was. She had nothing to be afraid of, because there had been no one in her life to cause her to fear. How wonderful that was for her! 

I was so proud to be Emily's mother. She was such a joy to me and her family. She was smart, funny, outgoing, personable, sweet, loving, and happy! So happy! She enjoyed every second of every day. I have never in my life known a person, much less a child, who had a smile on her face 24/7 and lived with such a zest for just BEING!

Emily was and is an example to me. She taught me love and patience and understanding. She taught me that life is worth living and I continue to live in honor of her. Though my heart has a HUGE piece missing and I live with daily sadness that will never, ever go away (until I see her again in Heaven), I still live and love and continue on with our family in honor of her! In honor of Emily's great contribution to our family. I know she is proud of us that we have adopted Joshua, and probably had a hand in Heavenly Father bringing him to us. I know she loves us, and I know she misses us as much as we miss her. I am happy for her, that she is in a glorious place with a loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ!

My friends in Australia lost their little boy who had Hydranencephaly this week. Noah's dad spoke at his funeral service. One of the things he said that struck my heart was that the day Noah died was the worst day of his life, the worst day EVER. But that it was the best and most glorious day of Noah's life.  I cried when Aaron shared that. I cried for Aaron and Lisa and their boys and I cried for me and my husband, Kevin.  But you know, I also think I cried because it was true what Aaron said - it was the most glorious day of Noah's life! And January 3, 2010 was the most glorious day of Emily's life. Though it was without a doubt the most horrifying and awful day I have ever lived through, it comforts me now, a year and a half later, to know that it was indeed a glorious day for Emily!  She got to leave this tough, cynical, often unyielding earthly world, and return with Jesus Christ to her Heavenly home, where she is whole and fulfilled and a beautiful angel spirit. Her crown in the eternal world is assured and she only had to endure 4 years of earthly life to receive her glory! 
How special indeed she was - a most valiant spirit child of God - in order to earn the privilege and right to be called Home so soon!  How privileged I am to be her mother!! 

 

Happy Birthday My Precious, Precious Angel Emily!! Mommy loves you so much!!!