A New Tradition

Our grief counselor asked me to think of ways to keep Emily alive in our Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions....other than the missing of her physically and emotionally, of course, which we will always and forever live with during holiday seasons. So today, before Thanksgiving prayer and dinner, we read a poem in honor of our sweet Miss Emily. I had seen this poem before online, but was reminded of it today as I was looking at the memorial web page of a dear friend, who also lost her child a few years ago.
It is a beautiful poem and seemed to fit our hearts today.... so for you, sweet Emily Hope....

When tomorrow starts without me,

And I'm not there to see;

If the sun should rise and find your eyes

All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry

The way you did today,

While thinking of the many things,

We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,

As much as I love you,

And each time that you think of me,

I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,

Please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name,

And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,

In heaven far above,

And that I'd have to leave behind

All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,

A tear fell from my eye, for all my life,

I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,

So much yet to do,

It seemed almost impossible,

That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,

The good ones and the bad,

I thought of all the love we shared,

And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,

Just even for awhile,

I'd say good-bye and kiss you

And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,

That this could never be,

For emptiness and memories,

Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,

I might miss come tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when i did,

My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,

I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me,

From His great golden throne,

He said "This is eternity,

And all I've promised you."

Today for life on earth is past,

But here it starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,

But today will always last,

And since each day's the same way

There's no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful,

So trusting and so true.

Though there were times you did some things,

You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven

And now at last you're free. So won't you take my hand

And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,

Don't think we're far apart,

For every time you think of me,

I'm right here, in your heart.

Author Unknown

And in other Thanksgiving news, Andrew called from Fort Rucker today. He is doing well in W.O.C. basic and is sounding happier and more confident than he has in a while. I was glad to hear his voice. My daughter-in-law, Dana, will be here in Houston in a couple of weeks with their poochies, Sam and Koda, the Chow Chows! She and I (and Katie) will be driving with the dogs to Alabama, and I get the privilege of helping Andrew and Dana find a house to call their home for the next two and one half years, while Andrew is in Flight School. It should be a fun but hectic trip.

Then I will return home and get our whole family ready to make the same trip again on December 23rd, so we can spend Christmas in Alabama with Andrew and Dana, and then we are ALL going to Florida on December 26th to spend some quality family time together through New Year's. January 3, 2011 will be the first Angelversary for Emily and we so need to be all together to get through Christmas and the New Year without her....

So thankful today for my husband, and all my lovely children! Thankful I was able to spend some time at the cemetery today with my brother and Katie and Bailey, even though it was just a short time because it started raining! It was long enough to tell my baby I love her and miss her, then I was able to come back home and tell Katie, Chrissy and Stephen how much I love and appreciate them. And then to talk to Andrew to tell him how proud I am of him. I just need to call Dana now to make the day complete, so everyone around me knows of my love and how thankful I am to have them in my life!

I am thankful to my dear friends as well, both close to me and far away on the internet. I am thankful for the Hydran Support Group and all the wonderful ladies (and a few gentlemen) whom I have gotten to know and love from across the miles and continents!

Life is a roller coaster of emotions for me right now, but knowing I have so much to be thankful for slows the car of life down just a little and smooths out a few of the bumps! God Bless Everyone and have a safe and happy Thanksgiving!

Be Of Good Cheer....

Thomas S. Monson–Be of Good Cheer

At the most recent General Conference, Thomas S. Monson, the prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, spoke of being of good cheer. Speaking to Mormons and non-Mormons alike, he said:

"Since last we met together in a general conference six months ago, there have been continuing signs that circumstances in the world aren’t necessarily as we would wish. The global economy, which six months ago appeared to be sagging, seems to have taken a nosedive, and for many weeks now the financial outlook has been somewhat grim. In addition, the moral footings of society continue to slip, while those who attempt to safeguard those footings are often ridiculed and, at times, picketed and persecuted. Wars, natural disasters, and personal misfortunes continue to occur.

It would be easy to become discouraged and cynical about the future-or even fearful of what might come-if we allowed ourselves to dwell only on that which is wrong in the world and in our lives. Today, however, I’d like us to turn our thoughts and our attitudes away from the troubles around us and to focus instead on our blessings as members of the Church. The Apostle Paul declared, “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

As is his style, President Monson illustrated how it is possible to be of good cheer even in the harshest of times. One story that particularly touched the hearts of listeners was that of a German LDS (Mormon) woman who lived in East Prussia at the start of World War II. Her husband was killed during the war and she and her four children found themselves living in territory now occupied by others. The occupying force ordered all Germans to leave. Having no form of transportation, she began a 1000 mile journey on foot. She was permitted to take only a small hand-pulled cart and whatever would fit into it.

It was late summer when the trip began. They had no money, so they were forced to gather food from the fields as they traveled. Winter came and they had only rags wrapped around their feet, because the shoes had fallen apart. The young mother carried her baby and the oldest, only seven years old, pulled the cart. They dodged troops and other refugees who might prove dangerous.

And then her children began to die. She buried each of the three oldest, one by one, digging their graves with a teaspoon because it was all she had with which to dig. Imagine digging an entire grave with only a teaspoon and a broken heart. Last of all, shortly before journey’s end, the baby died and this time, no spoon remaining, she dug the grave with her fingers over the course of several heart-breaking hours, kneeling on the frozen ice and snow. At that moment, she felt she had lost everything-her entire family, her home, even her country. She found herself contemplating suicide.

As she thought about ending her life, the Holy Ghost prompted her to kneel and pray. She tried to ignore it, but finally obeyed. This was her prayer:

Be Not Afraid

“Dear Heavenly Father, I do not know how I can go on. I have nothing left-except my faith in Thee. I feel, Father, amidst the desolation of my soul, an overwhelming gratitude for the atoning sacrifice of Thy Son, Jesus Christ. I cannot express adequately my love for Him. I know that because He suffered and died, I shall live again with my family; that because He broke the chains of death, I shall see my children again and will have the joy of raising them. Though I do not at this moment wish to live, I will do so, that we may be reunited as a family and return-together-to Thee.”

As she prayed, she was reminded that no matter how painful this life on earth could be, there was a great promise for her if she held on and kept up her spirits. Mormon beliefs include the knowledge that God is our loving Father in Heaven and that Jesus Christ died for us so we could live again. Mormons also teach that families can be together forever. God loves us too much to take our families from us if we love them enough to do what it takes to keep them forever. It was the knowledge of these three things that gave her the courage to get back on her feet and finish her journey through life.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is not a gospel of fear. The scriptures are filled with admonitions to be cheerful and not afraid. This can prove challenging when it seems the world is falling apart and the media is determined to keep you in a state of fear to sell newspapers or increase ratings. However, if we do all we can do to prepare for hard times, we can then choose to trust God, or choose to be afraid. You can’t always control what happens, but you can choose your attitude.

“From the holy scriptures we read, “Behold, the righteous, the saints of the Holy One of Israel, they who have believed in [Him], they who have endured the crosses of the world, . . . they shall inherit the kingdom of God, . . . and their joy shall be full forever.”

I testify to you that our promised blessings are beyond measure. Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments. There will be nothing in this world that can defeat us.

My beloved brothers and sisters, fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.

I declare that God lives and that He hears and answers our prayers. His Son, Jesus Christ, is our Savior and our Redeemer. Heaven’s blessings await us. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”

Thanksgiving and Blessings

The month of November is normally a time to reflect on the blessings God has given us and a time express our gratitude for all the good and beautiful things we have in our lives.
I have much to be grateful for in my life. My husband, my marriage, my home, my children, my health, Chrissy's nurses, our personal care attendant, my friends, to name just a few.....
Gratitude is easy when you look at all the things you daily take for granted. I have shared an article referencing a talk by Thomas S. Monson about Being of Good Cheer. It inspired me, caused me to shed not a few tears, and reminded me once again that God loves me, is aware of me, and will always be there to comfort me.
Read it if you get the chance. Imagine yourself if the shoes of the pioneer woman in Germany....how would it be to lose not one, but all of your children.....to bury them by hand using nothing but a teaspoon and your fingers, in the cold hard earth, and then still have the gratitude of heart to thank our Heavenly Father for the gift of Jesus Christ, the gift of eternal life, and the ability to carry on in this earthly life. I don't know that I could do it. My heart is broken, my spirit crushed, my stamina drained and my ability to move forward is slowed to a crawl by the loss of one child.....I cannot conceive how a human being, a mother, could survive the loss of more than one.....but I know there are those wonderful mothers out there who have done just this. And have done it with a sweetness of spirit and a thankful heart and a knowledge of Jesus Christ's love for them. My prayers go out to them.....in particular I am thinking today of my dear friend Sandy, a wonderful foster mother, who has lost four children in the past few years, and another friend I just met through facebook who lost two beautiful girls this year in a tragic accident similar to Emily's.....they are wonderful women, wonderful mothers, and I am positive their place in Heaven is made secure!! God bless you ladies and all the other angel mothers out there that I know and those that I have yet to meet. Stay strong and stay true and know you will see your darling babies again one day!!
For me, personally, this Thanksgiving is about my gratitude for having my Emily in my life for four precious years. I would not have traded one second of time with her even if I had known from the beginning that she would be taken home so soon to her Heavenly Father. She was one of the greatest blessings in my life. Thank you Heavenly Father for the gift of Emily Hope!!

The Beginning of a family...

It occurs to me that many people do not know our family story - even those who know us well, and even some family members! Sure, they may know the general details. They may know Kevin and I are married for 25 years, that we are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, that we have adopted five children....general things like that....
But what of our motivation? Our drive to adopt? Our eternal perspective? Those are things I am not always so good at sharing. My heart has always wanted to shout from the rooftops the wondrous desire I have inside me to be a good wife, a good mother, a good Christian. But outwardly, I often feel intimidated by the misunderstanding and judgments of the world around me. I know I shouldn't! But there you have it....
Since I do find it easier to write about my emotions and easier to share them with writing and poetry I am going to try and make our family blog more personal. Not just about daily happenings, but how we feel about those happenings, and how we feel about our beautiful little family. Perhaps in doing so, I can leave a legacy, a journal, for my precious children and the rest of our family in generations to come.

With that in mind, shall I start at the beginning? The real beginning?

That would be with my precious, loving mother, Evelyn Lee Duff, who gave birth to me at the age of 19. She was married to my father, Larry Duff, who was serving our country in the Air Force at the time. She was young and beautiful, and I was little and skinny! LOL Here is a picture to prove it!
I love this picture. It shows a young mother, tired but with a contentment that speaks of her love for her little baby. That is what I see when I look at it. I won't bore you with my entire childhood, I promise! But suffice it to say that I was loved and I knew I was loved. My mother dedicated her life to her children. She loved us unconditionally and with a great heart. She was my hero and my example to follow. It is because of her that I have such a desire to be a good mother and to raise my children well. If I can only be half as good a mom as she was, then my life will be full and blessed. Sadly, I lost my mother when she was only 57 years old, and it was the first GREAT loss in my life. I miss her every day... mom!!

Open the floodgates, or seal the dam....

Sometimes it is so hard to keep the dam of emotion closed. Springing a leak seams inevitable. A rush of pure pain, a trickle of heartache, sometimes offset by the shimmering stream of joy that my children give me. The indescribable beauty of my little girls smile, the pride of knowing my son is succeeding in his chosen career, the laughter and silly faces my little boy makes, and the sweet "I love you" from my teenage daughter. These are the things that keep my husband and I going day to day. But when will it be okay to open the floodgates and let all that emotion run free and allow ourselves to understand that our grief isn't going to be over. Ever.
Life is not ever going to be perfect again, but I do realize that it can be good for our family. We still love each other. We support one another. We have our faith in the Lord to keep us strong.

I will turn their mourning into gladness. I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. Jeremiah 31:13

I don't feel like my mourning will turn into gladness any time in the near future. But I do feel, sometimes, the glimmer of the promise of comfort and joy. Just a faint glimmer that I may smile with a true happiness once again, not the false smile I currently have in place to make people think I am okay.

Yesterday some one I do not know, do not even call an acquaintance, but someone who reads my words to those I love on my facebook support group (Hydran Families), commented on "prolonging" our children's lives to the point of making them "suffer in misery". My heart constricted in my chest and such a feeling of true wrath enveloped me, that I was hardly able to respond. Such cruel words from one who himself has a daughter, just recently born, with severe disabilities, was beyond my comprehension. It occurs to me today, however, that such harsh and spiteful words most often can come from someone who themselves is in pain. I acknowledge that. But still....why in this world today, are people so ready to rush to judgment of others? I have to respond to those words with truth and honesty. Diplomacy does not help someone who NEEDS to hear honesty.
So, what is honesty in my world? What is the honest truth about my daughter, Christina, who lives each day with severe disabilities, without the benefit of walking and talking, or even the benefit of a cerebral cortex? Does she have a "quality of life"? Am I "prolonging" her life and making her "suffer"?
I honestly can answer those questions with a resounding NO! I watch her wake in the morning with a beautific smile, genuine joy in her eyes to be here in her earthly body for another day. She loves us dearly as we also love her. She "waits" for our spoken words of love and greeting and is so excited to see everyone she adores around her. She has such unconditional love, a spirit that is strong and pure, a determination to live that astounds me! She is brave, strong, and courageous. She is happy! She is loved! She has a wonderful life! She has no worries, she trusts in her family and caregivers completely, and she is comfortable in her own body. She knows not that she is "different" or that she is "disabled", she only knows she is LOVED. She basks in that LOVE. She returns that LOVE. She wants to be here. I know this without a doubt. She does not suffer, quite the contrary, she has every possible thing at her immediate disposal to keep her healthy and comfortable and well. Every person in her life is dedicated to her every need and every desire. She is so sweet and special that people flock to her aid and cannot help but give her love and encouragement. Most importantly, Heavenly Father loves her and knows her needs and her heart's desires -he gives us, as her family, the insight to know exactly what to do for her every minute of every day. He has never abandoned or forsaken her.
Thinking about all this today, I realized that if Heavenly Father is so in tune to Chrissy, and is always there for her to comfort her, to take care of her, to guide us in caring for her, and to give her peace each day, then He must be doing the same for me.
I must learn to accept His comfort, accept His will, and accept the peace He offers me. Until I can do that, I will continue to grieve, to sorrow, to suffer myself over the loss of our dear Emily. So yet again, it is Christina who teaches me a lesson in life. It is Christina who will help me to open those floodgates of emotion I hold so tightly shut.
Today I cried. I cried for Emily. I cried for Christina. I cried for my nephew Trevor. And I cried for myself. For the first time since we lost our precious baby, I cried for MYSELF. And that is okay. I don't have to keep the dam sealed. I can grieve openly. But I can also heal myself by accepting the love Heavenly Father offers me, the cloak of comfort He provides. All I have to do is pull it around me and feel of its warmth. Just like my Chrissy does. She keeps her cloak pulled close and enjoys the sweetness of comfort Heavenly Father gives her. And she LOVES.
I hope I can LOVE like she does. I hope I can FEEL like she does. I hope I can be as good a mother to her as she is a daughter to me. She is a daughter of God and is perfect. I pray God will help me to be a good daughter of God as well, so one day soon Chrissy, I, Emily and our whole family can be together forever. How blessed I am to have TWO perfect daughters, and three other children who strive to be the best they can be each and every day. Thank you Heavenly Father for my life as a wife, sister, aunt, daughter.....and most of all, MOTHER - the Highest honor I could have been given in this sphere of time and the one calling that will be with me for Eternity!!

Our story? Who is interested??

I have had three people contact me this week asking about our family and more details about us and our journey through adoption and raising special needs children. I am always happy to share, though not sure how eloquent I can be with my words!
I thought that since there seems to be some interest in our little story that I might begin sharing some snippets of our journey....maybe I will write a book someday!
What do you think????

Struggles...

How much can one family take? Question of the day....
Tonight I am so worried for my brother and his little boy! Trevor is four years old. He and Emily were good buddies! Trevor is sweet, adorable, and a little doll! He likes Spiderman, Batman, and Transformers. He is a typical four year old boy - very active and all smiles!
Today he was admitted to Texas Children's ER. He was having trouble moving his right leg and arm. Several hours and CT Scan and MRI later, it appears that Trevor has had a stroke, possibly several. He may have what is called Moyamoya Syndrome. It is a problem with blood flow to the brain from the arteries in the neck. It may require him to have surgery and he will definitely be in ICU for a few days.
Please keep our family, and especially little Trevor in your prayers! ^Emily^, keep watch over your cousin please!!